your room smells of hookers.
And success
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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