Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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