please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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