The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
