My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
