Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
MIDGETS
????
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
