she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
