Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
