I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
