I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
