just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
