Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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