He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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