Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
