Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
