I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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