Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
what day is it and did you see me today?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
