Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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