It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I understand Curling. That high.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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