It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
