Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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