I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
