im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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