I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
