Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
