nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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