I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
