my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
