i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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