I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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