Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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