you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
