Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
