i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
