I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
All I want is dick and wine.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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