i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
