I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You took a bar mat shot.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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