i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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