never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
