I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
