i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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