You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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