My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
