seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
