sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
