Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
