I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
