sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
