i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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