It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
You are a genius and a whore.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize