This dress was meant to end up on your floor
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
