im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
my liver is dry heaving
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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