Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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