so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
