I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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