Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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