i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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