I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
