i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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