He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
worst night to have a conscience
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
