At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
