I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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