Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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